3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I believe in your delicious
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
