well you can't waste a boner
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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