life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
