Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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