I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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