my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
