i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize