Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
