when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
