I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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