Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
