I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
