I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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