My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
