he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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