Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
