I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
