So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
