Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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