6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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