Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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