seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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