I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
