i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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