I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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