Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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