dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
