If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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