I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
