My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
