Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
