i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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