So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't deserve a penis
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize