Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
