i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
