I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
