Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
