also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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