anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
