Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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