Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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