i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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