Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
