omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
