yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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