we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
