A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
