I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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