I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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