Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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