I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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