Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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