Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Two words: blizzard sex
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
