Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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