I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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