Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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