...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
