Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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